Indiaaargh: Weird Kerala

The old policy of doing no research whatsoever and saying yes to things yielded homoerotic results in Kerala recently. Like a normal person, I tend to offer some kind of perfunctory response if someone comes at me and says 'hello' or 'how are you?' or 'what is your name?', but I've come to realise the gravity of this assumption in India: it is an error, nearly always meaning you're about to be extorted or have some totally balls product offered to you. Although I am close to perfecting my 'talk to the hand' palm off, otherwise known as 'the Kanye', I forgot myself when I got off the bus in Kumily, dazed after a long and dusty bus ride from Munnar hill station. A squat man thrust a brochure in my face some moments after my feet touched the tarmac and after some frantic bartering, I was enlisted for a 90 minute Ayurvedic massage, mainly just as a result of wanting the guy to leave me the fuck alone. I rocked down to the centre later that evening after a rough as houses pizza dinner (see photos) and was promptly told at the desk that I could have the full body version of the massage for zero extra cost. This seemed like a no brainer. I was there on the seemingly never ending quest for a 'culturally authentic' experience that constitutes travelling, and besides, bargains should usually always be snapped up so I went for it, expecting an EU-style pleasant back rub and pat down. I was in for a surprise though because the tiny 50 year old man with hands like iron and a chesty cough immediately made me strip naked and don what can only be described as a tissue nappy held up with string that would soon turn completely transparent. Once I was in my nappy he sat me down and poured an immense amount of oil all over me, coating my head, torso, face and legs with it before madly scrubbing my scalp in that way you do, aged 9, to your younger sister when you want to really mess her hair up to annoy her. After that he made me lie face down on a wooden table, took the nappy off and slathered my back and bare arse in much more oil, bade me relax and spent the next hour running his hands up and down my body front and back, generally rubbing the shit out of me. He thought I was OK with everything because I lied and because I was able to let my body go slack through sheer force of will, little did he know however that my teeth were tense and gritted powerfully through a combination of trying not to laugh and wanting to cry out. It was decent enough if you like that sort of thing and it was an experience, so they said, to be savoured and never forgotten. I can't help but agree with the latter part of that statement. I will never have one again. After Kumily I went to Alleppey, which was nice. On one of the days I did a nine hour tour along the backwaters with a monosyllabic fisherman, taking breakfast and dinner in his house whilst he and his wife ate in the next room, occasionally peering at me around the corner of the door frame as I sat there alone. He also took me for a 'Toddy' which is basically coconut beer that tastes nothing like coconuts or beer. This tour was the main thing I did in Alleppey other than sit smoking on the beach and playing Carom with some French. This was because the whole experience was coloured by dramatic events the morning of the canoe tour when I realised that I'd lost my belt and, in the process of looking for it, discovered a dried dead frog in my backpack. This terrible discovery raised many questions: 1. Why has this happened? 2. How has this happened? 3. Did the frog live in my bag or simply go there to die? 4. My body is covered in a vast constellation of mosquito bites. Are the two events linked in some way? 5. Was the frog planted there by the scum who stole my belt? No one can know the answers to any of these questions, least of all me. Only one thing is certain though, a dead frog was a serious thing to find and the repercussions have not yet sunk in, either physically or mentally. I'm in Varkala now and it is very pleasant - loads of nice beaches. I will leave today and go somewhere else.